SME Towkay Lee Knowledge Chief

Brother, first separate two things: mas kahwin (maskahwin/mahar) is the fixed sum set by the state religious authority, usually a modest standard amount, that's the actual Islamic obligation. Hantaran is the 'gift money' the two families negotiate, and this is where the pressure and competition come from, but Islamically it's custom, not a requirement. What's reasonable varies a lot by family and region, but a healthy marriage shouldn't start with the groom in debt to show face. How to handle it: (1) Talk to your future wife first, get her on your side, often the couple aligned can gently manage both families. (2) Meet the girl's family respectfully (merisik/rombongan) and discuss openly, frame it as wanting to start life together stable, not stingy. (3) A reasonable hantaran is one you can afford without loan. Many families are understanding once you show sincerity and commitment. Don't let relatives' egos set your number. The real value is the marriage, not the display. Adat is meant to bless the union, not bankrupt it.